‘From Coming Out To Looking Within.. My Journey to Christ & How Lighthouse Global Saved Me from Drowning in The Denial of my Trauma.’ – Olivia Humphries
“Does not wisdom call, And understanding lift up her voice? On top of the heights beside the way, Where the paths meet, wisdom takes her stand” – Proverbs 8:1-2
How do I share my personal testimony here and my journey in Lighthouse without being brutally honest and to share my raw, life changing experiences? What I am about to go on to share may seem chaotic to the outside world but it’s the internal journey that’s most important and sacred. I’ve learnt things about myself and my brokenness that are essential for me to see and to face. I know in the wrong hands what you’re about to read will stir a lot of defensiveness and possibly offend (especially in a world that is becoming increasingly radicalised by the left). But my testimony isn’t meant for the wrong hands…for those easily offended. What I am about to share is for those that are truth seekers, those that are honest hearted individuals, who are in the pursuit of honest answers, truth and through that true joy.
My journey to Christ hasn’t been romantic in the slightest or comfortable…Instead it has been filled with facing pain and chaos. It was more of a rescue which all who come to Christ truly need. Deliverance really means to be rescued out of a dangerous situation. This is exactly what my journey has been… delivery out of the present evil age. All pleasures, treasures, ideas, values of mine have changed. Where sin is catapulting this world into destruction we must desperately separate the sin from the sinner. This is a passing world, nothing here will last, all the media place attention on all of this meaningless stuff that has nothing to do with anyones eternal soul! Life is not a ‘free for all’… it is the sin that is the problem not the sinner! We cannot forget to distinguish between the two! Anything else is spiritual neglect – help people by telling the truth! Be compassionate by leading to Christ when the world tries to lead away from Him! Truth over feeling. What truth do feelings carry? The distortion of truth and falsehoods I cannot stop, there will always be something that doesn’t stop someone else’s narrative!
One thing I know for sure is that when you go through trials, that’s then when you know if your faith is the real thing… Well, my trials have brought me to Christ. They’re gifts from God. God uses trials to affirm, confirm and draw you near.
What’s important to me is that I share the reality of where I have come from, why I am so broken, what drives my hunger to learn, and most importantly how to make my wrongs right with God first. I also know that a lot of people who will read this and those who hear about Lighthouse will try to pigeon hole us, and as a result will have no idea how to relate to us as a healthy growing community. We are incredibly unique, so I understand why the large majority will not understand and as a result cannot compartmentalise us. If your family is anything like mine, they’ll be threatened by the reality that comes from the answers to asking powerful, honest and healthy questions and will make up false hypotheses that Lighthouse is a cult through their dark fantasies.
I must say that I love my family dearly and pray for them every day. That does not mean that I tolerate abuse anymore and that I will allow myself to be continually violated. Those who have insisted on abusing, and violating me, I have simply chosen to minimise my contact with them and where necessary cut all ties. Trust me, these people know exactly who they are. This is my journey, and some of the findings that have shattered my delusions as a result of the 18 years worth of research at Lighthouse, over 40 years of research from Paul Waugh himself, and a lifetime of searching that has finally led me to Christ who has ultimately been at the centre of all this research.
Truth be told, my journey of discovery and seeking the support I desperately knew I needed led me to an incredible group of ordinary, yet courageous people looking for extraordinary results through asking the hard questions in the pursuit of absolute truth. There are few people who have the courage to genuinely venture down the narrow path of regeneration and truth. For this I am truly grateful to those brave souls who have come into my life to help me find the direction, and give me the guidance, love and support I so desperately needed.
“My hope is that these pages will encourage you to fight the good fight, for the honour of Jesus is at stake in every encounter, every thought, every relationship, every decision. If you have lost the fight and now believe that the Bible and the God who stands behind it cannot be trusted, I hope that you will find in the pages of this book the humiliating reality that we don’t measure up, and it’s never too late to repent -again- and turn back to the God who made you. Jesus understands you better than you understand yourself. Please take my hand and join me on this journey.” From ‘Openness Unhindered’ Dr Rosaria Butterfield
A little bit about me and the family life I grew up in…
Growing up as the third sibling of four, family life was anything but “normal”. Our house was located on the 500 Acre Wood on the Ashdown Forest. Whilst an idyllic location, surrounded by the stunning trees and wildlife, this house to this day carries memories of the broken fabric of our family home. My dad left when I was 8 years old and we would spend the weekdays with my mum, now a single mother with four kids, one of which is severely disabled. It was not easy for my mum at all. I felt for my mum, a lot. Home life was chaotic and there were plenty of pets from horses, dogs, cats, at one point even guinea pigs and budgies, not to forget the gorgeous, friendly and intelligent pig we adopted who had escaped from being hunted from the forest, named Gloria.
I always knew and felt that my childhood wasn’t typically average. My sister Gabriella, who’s 3 years older than me, brought a lot of love, care, and a sense of protection for her, but her condition also brought worry and concern along with it to our family as she struggles with severe epilepsy. One of the major things that is important to mention is the desperate need that children have to be parented by two adults who are committed to becoming the healthiest, and the best parents they can be. Whoever you want your children to be, as parents, you need to become yourselves.
With the seizures my sister suffered, combined with the fracturing of the family environment, we were left with trauma to be processed by us all. At the age of 8 my parents divorced. Both of my parents fought through a tough 10 year long divorce, which included countless court hearings. I mention this because this isn’t uncommon in today’s age. Divorce is rife, and children are being brought up in broken homes with new conjoined families. The fact is that this is on a steady incline. The fractured family home today in a Godless society results in a Godless family, which in turn breeds selfishness, hostility, uncertainty, and insecurity for all family members. For any child to be brought up in a toxic environment of ever increasing animosity and aggression between two parents arguing, and fighting without the healthy, sacred and safe environment that a family ought to be, it leaves a child foundation-less and fraught with fear, anxieties and inside in turmoil.
Every child needs the essential parenting to be able to process, heal and understand the stresses, the strain and the trauma of life. One such unique trauma that I was very aware of, (yet knew that the adults around me couldn’t explain) was the demonic, poltergeist activity that would occur at home. There were slamming loft doors, screaming through electronic devices, skips bursting into flame, and the icy cold atmosphere throughout the home. At a young age I became aware of the supernatural, along with the very family environment that ought to have been natural, but instead was fast becoming unnatural and unloving.
Most people do not realise that they are in a toxic family and if they do, they are far less ready to face that daunting reality! I know this first hand. What do children need more than anything? A foundation of fortitude, security, guidance, discipline, and reassurance, but essentially to be brought up and into the seat of their souls through the deep understanding and application of natural God given principles, and healthy values. If we are brought up by so-called “adults” who themselves have not learned to apply these principles and values, then quite simply, “the blind cannot lead the blind” and children need healthy growing adults, not old infants who are spiritually blunted or who have a spiritual scotoma!
Those who defend their position or role within the family at the expense of the truth, and therefore justify their toxicity are by definition, toxic! There are unsaid “rules” that go unspoken that subconsciously cripple a young developing child. The unspoken, but very real and felt threats of “do as I say and not as I do” suffocate a child or teenager, leading them into the depths of distrust. The majority of humanity still to this day remain what psychologists call “old infants”, which essentially means you’ve remained a child mentally, emotionally, and spiritually yet you have grown physically. This is a human tragedy and an illness that humanity refuses to acknowledge.
Life for me at school was tough. With so much going on at home, my mothers stress about the divorce, and worry for my sister, led to an overspill that affected the rest of us and as a child a large portion of that stress, concern, and ultimately responsibility was forced on to my young shoulders. Sport was my escape from my chaotic home life. What I lacked the most was somebody who was able to tune into me, I was not able to share my burdens and trauma of everyday life, and I didn’t know how to! My mother was too busy struggling to cope with her own emotional dysfunctions and financial stresses, while my father remained absent and was busy rebuilding his life. We all felt their struggles and as kids we were picking up where we could, but often this resulted in your preverbal guilt trips and feeling like an emotional hostage.
Am I parent-bashing right now? No, every human being beyond the age of 18 has the responsibility to seek the guidance, support and healing they need as a result of their own family dysfunctions. Tragically in today’s Luciferian world, those who are most lost in the toxicity of their families just cannot see how broken they are and that they have a desperate need for God.
At the age of 17 a family friend shot himself in our backyard, this was at the same time of my AS levels. Tim looked at me whilst standing on the steps outside the back door with both his dogs and our dogs waiting excitedly to be walked and said “you, enjoy yourself” with a pause and a look that made me naively think “but you’re going for the walk, surely you enjoy yourself?”. Little did I know that was his goodbye to me, and just 2 days later he fatally shot himself in the forest just behind our house. I felt hopeless, lost, and even more traumatised. I’ll never forget the feeling of despair sitting in one of my exams. I was feeling the pressure from school and broke down crying. I proceeded to write a desperate letter to whomever the poor examiner was who was about to receive my paper. I just needed to be heard and seen. I felt so out of my depth with so much bottled up inside.
When dad left home there was an emptiness! The streams in the garden stopped flowing, parts of the garden died and it felt like the house started falling apart due to the slow suffocation of the family home. Children inherently believe they are partly to blame when parents break up. At least that’s how I felt. I was left frightened and fearful of my dad and this was not helped by my mother who had a growing level of resentment for him. There was an emotional vacuum that was created between my dad and I, and as the years rolled on by extension I felt the same towards men in general. I didn’t have the capacity then to understand dad’s indignation towards my mother and I perceived him as unkind and threatening to both her, and I. With my essential teenage years starved of both maternal and paternal parenting, this shaped my entire view on relationships.
I ended up going to Oxford Brookes University to study Osteopathy which is what both of my parents studied. I remember wanting to find a vocation and to build a life where I could help people. I wanted to study psychology but was told that “I wouldn’t get a job or make enough money”. I know deep down I was just desperate for answers and guidance and just wanted to figure out what was so desperately missing in my life. Studying Osteopathy for me was a way in which to understand my parents too. Going to university at 18 and leaving home was a “freedom” from the guilt traps of “home” and I did little in the name of study and just took every opportunity to escape and party. It was my unhealthy way of trying to regain the lost years of my childhood.
What came with my perceived freedom was the blatant and hard hitting acknowledgment that I was totally ill equipped and unprepared for life. Basic levels of responsibility that we ought to be taught early doors were obviously missing. I had no idea about these gaping holes! I was reckless, chaotic and behaving like a juvenile delinquent. I was out to escape the emotional pain and turmoil of family life, not caring at all about who it affected along the way. I didn’t know that my immaturity and irresponsibility would affect those around me, you never do when you’re so self consumed. It was at university in my perceived “freedom” that I sought to meet the healthy needs that I had been starved of as a child, in what I realise now are totally destructive ways as I tried to fill that vacuum!
Hitting The Wall
My lack of direction and the burdens I was carrying from my childhood and teenage years had built up so much that my early 20s were sheer chaos. I experimented with the odd class A drug, and was on the path of self destruction. Lacking the essential upbringing I desperately needed, all I had were my child-like “coping” mechanisms which resorted to the simple technique of “avoid the pain at all costs”. I began racking up thousands of pounds worth of debt in parking fines, and it all came to a head at just 21 years old. The pressure that had been building up came pouring out as I started experiencing collapsing anxiety attacks with many trips to A&E.
I met my first therapist at this point who used hypnotherapy amongst other therapeutic methods. Therapy saved my life. My therapist was gentle, sensitive and listened. I couldn’t quite believe that this kind of help existed. My life that was so dark and felt so hopeless seemingly started to turn back into colour. I remember the burst of excitement to share what I was learning. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t found therapy sooner! It was from here on out I wanted to learn more. I went on to study hypnotherapy and counselling. I felt I had found my vocation…but without a single clue on life and business I was still left afloat.
After studying different forms of healing from Hypnotherapy, Reiki, counselling, EFT etc, I knew that I wanted to continue my pursuit in search of the answers to questions I was yet to formulate around what went so wrong in my upbringing and what was wrong with me. Little did I know then that my journey of discovery had led me purely down Luciferian paths. Then, at 23, I met Warren Vaughan and thinking that I could “add another string to my bow” I wanted to learn how to mentor.
The first thing Warren said to me was that before I mentor anyone I must learn to mentor myself and that always starts with being mentored first. This was just the beginning of many realisations for me as to just how lost I was and how I was lacking the basics in life despite being in therapy and having completed courses that I had attended. Lighthouse continues to help me immensely through all of my trauma. While I have up until recently received help outside of Lighthouse, had I not received the help, love and guidance from Warren, Paul Waugh and others within Lighthouse I would not have made the breakthroughs in my life and I would still be in a seriously compromised life situation oblivious on how to build a foundation for myself, my life, and my business which now serves others. I have always been encouraged to look for further help outside of Lighthouse where necessary and appropriate.
Even more recently I have felt the need not only for mentorship but for psychotherapy due to life changing events and for this I needed to go outside of Lighthouse. What has struck me and has become very clear, is that psychotherapy is in fact limited without Christ. And I don’t mean those who generalise all new age therapies and use terms like “Christ consciousness”. That’s false and a new age farce as it’s not seeking the true Christ Himself. Generally speaking today’s therapists have become increasingly uncomfortable when approached with the reality of their clients’ sins. I have been told “not to be disparaging” and “not to be self deprecating” in my very own soul searching and contrition. I have been encouraged to avoid the reality of my sinful and depraved ways and instead, not to be so hard on myself.
Without looking at our sinful, depraved and iniquitous ways you cannot truly heal. Therefore whatever guidance and support that avoids these fundamental truths will be superficial at best. In the name of healing, this is in fact, destructive and damaging. In reality, contrition and your ability to make your wrongs right, is the only way to truly regenerate. Right at the centre of this? You will ALWAYS find Christ. Therefore, any therapy without Christ at its centre is rooted in deception which always leads to the murder of the human spirit, despite how it is dressed up! Christ is the only Way, Truth and Life. This is the crucial importance of separating the sin from the sinner which I mentioned at the beginning. Psychotherapists like many today, (lost in the world) are lost in snowflake, left wing ideologies that mistake the rebuke of the sin for the sinner which is palpably false.
‘There’s No Such Thing As Gay’
Trust me the temptation to stay quiet and not say what I’m about to share is very real. I never thought in all my life that I’d be outing myself again volitionally in public for a second time for very different reasons. The reason being is because this topic in particular is to be engaged in, not mocked, not ridiculed but addressed, with all love and understanding and I have got the T-shirt. I have many cowardly egoic reasons and excuses not to but I know in my heart that this is my cross to bear now, and those who sin in public must make it right in public. Despite my fear, I deeply want to make my wrongs right with God first and then all of those who I have harmed and dragged into my sin along the way.
The truth is my heart breaks knowing what I know now because I know first hand how many others like me have fallen into the same misguided traps, yet are completely ignorant and oblivious to the danger and the damage that they are causing to themselves and others that they purport to love and do not think or feel there is anything wrong with it. Many today have built their lives around their sexuality and feel they are hurting no one in the process and instead cherish their relationship. I totally get that…I have been there! So why am I talking about my realisations regarding my sexuality in my testimony here? Because repentance unto life means that we must repent of sin, and sins of identity come into that!
I also want to share because the people of Lighthouse have been exactly that, Lighthouses that have provided the space and safety for me to ask myself the hard questions and have held the space for me to do so! As Rosaria Butterfield has helped me see “we need to be clear, not just that we are all sinners, but that we are all sexual sinners” too.
Starved of maternal, motherly affection and craving to have a deep psychological, emotional connection, I “came out” at 19 and started romantically dating women. I mention this because whilst this is a deeply personal area of my life and I am a fiercely private individual, I recognise that without the essential reparative, and emotionally in-tune foundation built on the rock that is Christ, it leaves a child in a now adult body still having to find and meet those needs. Without the guidance, I did that in depraved and iniquitous ways without even knowing it! In my naivety, immaturity and stubbornness I had absolutely no issue with my lesbianism and continued to date women for nearly a decade. In fact I felt a new but false lease of life, colour, excitement and acceptance. I felt very welcome and on the surface “seen” in the gay community. This only inflamed my delusional feeling that “coming out” was “coming home”. I now know this was not at all true! That childlike excitement was merely childhood wounds and my starved needs feeling that they were finally being nourished and nurtured, when in fact this was all part of my ever increasing delusion.
As hard for me to admit as it is, lesbianism was simply a comfort blanket to temporarily cover my tender aged torment that I was not facing. Had anyone challenged me on my lesbian lifestyle, in particular a Christian telling me that I would be going to hell for it, I would have felt so misunderstood, hurt and insulted. I would have removed myself from that individual’s company with immediate effect! I just wouldn’t have wanted to understand! The truth is, it’s not just homosexuality that is misunderstood but true Christianity is, aka Christ is!
In my journey of seeking the truth and reality with Lighthouse, I’ve naturally come to these realisations and the healing of Christ. I’m not saying at all that I am totally “healed” either as this type of lifestyle and the sin of homosexuality is actually only the fruit of much deeper sins, like pride and lust. The biggest realisation that smacked me in the face was the reality of how what is unnatural destroys. At Lighthouse we have spent years upon years in our dedication to find reality, and at great cost and sacrifice by many. One thing that is absolutely for certain is how what is unnatural will always be limited and it will ultimately destroy the earth, humanity and our children always end up paying the price as a result of it.
It’s a hard cross to bear in knowing that something I was so sold on, and felt so seemingly liberated by is in fact damaging and the biggest betrayal to God. I know for me it was a protection mechanism and I felt safe with women, safe enough that they’d be sensitive with my vulnerability at least. Looking back and being totally honest with myself, in digging deeper in the search to find out why I went down the path of lesbianism, and then having to face it within myself, it has been one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever endured.
One thing that is very important for me to mention is that I was never pushed, or felt coerced in Lighthouse to “get over” my sexuality. I was encouraged though to look at what is natural. If anything, due to the weight of realisations I was making just a few years ago, I felt compelled to spontaneously and instantly end a relationship that I was in with a woman. I realised that in actual fact I was in these relationships for my own selfish needs. Through my heartfelt realisations that were shocking to me, my mentor Warren encouraged me to slow down and to maturely start making considered decisions that were more compassionate, caring and considerate for all involved. It took me years to fall into lesbianism, it would now take me years and a lot of learning through suffering to move away from it. I now know through my own life experience that homosexuality is in fact a purely selfish act and I can back it up. For a long time I’ve feared admitting that but now it liberates me.
I feel a lot of compassion for the LGBT community! I know that this will not go down well within the LGBT community and I run the risk of further persecution for what I have been writing and revealing. I know as a former “lesbian” that there is no such thing as gay! Yes the impulses are very real, but they are not YOU…
The dangers of being encouraged to follow impulses drags us down treacherous paths to our own sinful destruction. Confusing inner impulses, that you are your feelings and that your identity is in your emotions is utterly soul destroying and dangerous and worse you don’t know it whilst you’re in it! It’s like breathing in carbon monoxide. You can’t see it or smell it! Learning our inner desires, feelings, thoughts and impulses is critical for your own inside in parenting and leadership. This desire or what’s also called indwelling sin is a reminder of a much deeper problem.
I truly believe that an upbringing that nurtures and fills a human being with all our healthy human needs and wants will always meet those needs and will instead fill us with human spirit, security, nurture and protection for one another, for our fellow man and woman. I now know that the intimacy I craved can only be found in Christ. I now care so much about standing up to protect the sanctity of the role of a mother and of Godly women which is the most important role in humanity!
A Godsend and teacher from a far I must mention and share my heartfelt appreciation for, Dr Rosaria Butterfield. Since hitting the wall at just 21 years old I have searched to find a true and maternal woman to look up to. Rosaria’s life journey and bravery has moved me to my core and had me in floods of tears just in picking up her books. Reading the books from the heart of another human being who has struggled down the same or similar paths as you and who has been willing to volitionally suffer to stand up for truth despite the betrayal she knew many in her life would experience is truly picking up and bearing your cross! True Godly female leaders are so rare. I feel seen by a soul I’ve never met in person as through her journey she already sees me. In her own words; “Compassion means entering the suffering of another in order to lead the way out.” That’s leadership! For anyone struggling with their sexuality and wants to listen to someone who cares enough to tell you how it is, yet upholds a mature balance of compassion and understanding I’d not hesitate in a heartbeat to recommend Rosaria Butterfield. God bless her soul.
“Whether the pain you face now is the consequence of your sin or the sin of others, in God’s providence and in saving faith, Romans 8:28 still reigns: “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” It is not the absence of sin that makes you a believer. It is the presence of Christ in the midst of your struggle that commends the believer and sets you apart in the world.” ― Dr Rosaria Butterfield
The truth is I feel a lot of remorse and now contrition in these realisations regarding my sexual sin. I now understand why I went down the path I did and that is GOLD as that gives me insight. In a world where the media plays such a huge role and is corrupting, distorting and encouraging the masses to do what is unnatural and ultimately damaging I feel in not sharing my realisations about homosexuality that it would cause me insurmountable guilt in my conscience to not share what I now know. I pray for all those who are in search of answers and the truth that they find the strength to question and not sell out to the world’s narrative that aims to murder by deception. Afterall, souls are at stake here, and for that reason I am absolutely prepared to risk offending. I will be sharing more on this topic in time as it is so hugely important not just to me personally but for many who may have been lost like me and do not know it.
What is a ‘Lighthouse?’. Lighthouses are traditionally viewed as symbols of hope, security, strength, and safety. They are luminaries. They are beacons of light that guide many through the stormy seas of life. That’s exactly what this support community has been for me. Lighthouse is a group of ordinary individuals that are committed to seeking absolute truth…and that is RARE in today’s age! Lighthouse is a healthy growing community not a cult, or a bunch of “trendy life coaches” as stated by the smear campaign in the national newspaper.
Lighthouse is a research organisation and surrogate family for many to heal in. Whilst I have invested in myself and my growth and development I have also invested in our research work, and in Paul Waugh himself who is heading up this crucial and vital research. Why? Because we are committed to finding out exactly what is in the way of human potential, what the obstacles are to achieving this potential, and why human beings struggle to follow through! What has become obvious is that human beings struggle to follow through and apply much of what they learn.
We continually ask fundamental questions like; what are we missing? What are we lacking in our upbringings that contribute to a broken society, fractured families, the dissipation of individuals and as a result a fallen humanity and unhealthy world? This has never been done before! It’s been a journey filled with blood, sweat, and tears, there’s been incredible levels of sacrifice of which many would not be able to comprehend and instead would fear to tread.
If Lighthouse was unfairly and unjustly brought to a close, told to wind up and shut down I fear for the many people like me, and for future generations that their hope would become all but snuffed out. There are many testimonies from founders, to associates, to thousands of clients who’s hope has only become lighter and brighter due to the years of this pioneering work! If you do not have hope, you do not have meaning, and if you do not have meaning, you do not have purpose.
We live in a world where child suicide is on the increase, and families are continuously under threat through the ever increasing online activity of predatory trolling. I have personally witnessed the devastating effects of this. Businesses close, families break up, and people spiral into crippling depressions. We at Lighthouse will use the online violence and persecution of our business and our families to teach, heal and navigate through the real terror brought about by this online terrorism!
There’s no map, there’s no book, there’s no manual, or transcript that teaches us to follow through on what is healthy and righteous; this is uncharted territory! This is pioneering work! The problem is always at the root. For every thousand people playing with the leaves of evil there is one man striking at the root. That root is CHRIST, and this translates to human CARE! One human being who takes himself to the wall in his search to find reality and who comes close to striking at the root of humanity’s problems is Paul Waugh. One thing that Paul has shown me is that if you don’t care about care, you don’t care at all! You cannot be HUMAN without care! We have learnt here at Lighthouse that the human currency of care is paramount, so much so that you cannot follow through without care, humanly, materially and financially!
Those who didn’t care about care, and were in our healthy growing community for the wrong reasons left and became more and more violent and hostile towards us. I even had mentee’s turn on me violently over the phone and who ultimately ran from their mentorship. It’s clear that those who have left our research and healthy growing community have chosen to deliberately persecute us online. This has been a conscious and an orchestrated attack on our livelihoods and families.
These individuals had an interest that was not founded on character and nor were they ever truly dedicated to their own growth and development. Instead they have self interest, and self entitled, self indulgent, and self obsessed reasons that led to them being here. They were here for what they could get rather than what value they could learn to create and as a result give back! They petulantly refused to legitimately earn the true rewards of building their character through the love of work, and the love of learning. We live in a world where the victim mentality is encouraged and as a result championed! Legitimate leadership and principle centred leadership is FAST becoming extinct!
My Biggest Wake Up!
In August 2020 I prayed to Christ, a prayer that I will never forget. I prayed to “grow up, whatever it takes”. In September 2020 I received my biggest and most painful life lesson to date. Why? Because it brought me to my knees and still to this day I carry the trauma in my body. I am needing to attend weekly physio, Osteopathy, and recently stopped seeking psychotherapy and sought Christian counselling instead in order to help me heal. In life I now know Christ doesn’t necessarily give us what we want BUT HE ALWAYS gives us what we lovingly need.
Christ certainly answered my prayer in a way that shattered my synthetic and fake world that I had created, and for very good reason. What happened to me that night is something I cannot go into the specifics of, simply because the case is still with the police, but what may shock you is I now realise that because of my lack of upbringing this was a trauma I always had coming. It was just a matter of time.
Certain heinous crimes are often targeted towards certain people who fit a certain criteria. They are often not strong enough to speak up. They are often people who do not have the strength to alert the authorities. The predator knows or at least thinks that they can get away with their repugnant crime because they know you will blame yourself and so will minimise the crime. They also know it’s difficult for you to say something because it’s “family.” Yes, that’s right this crime was by someone I naively trusted and a “family member.”
I have since learnt that “family” can be the perfect cover for all types of predators. There are those that feed on you emotionally, there are those that feed on you mentally, there are those that feed on you physically and there are those that will even feed on all three in order to break your spirit, in doing so they feed on your soul. Either way these predators are cannibals that prowl in the very environment and under the very blanket where the vulnerable ought to feel safe, within FAMILY. They know you’re not strong enough on your own and that there’s no way you would alert the authorities, instead they bank on your ‘familiar’ relationship because “family is too important” so they firmly believe that they can get away with it! To be silenced is simple when something is so horrific that it would stain the entire family. So best to keep quiet, right? They were wrong. I had the support of this support community, Lighthouse.
It’s not the crime, it’s what happens afterwards which is the most traumatic part. It’s the years of trauma, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the slow and bureaucratic justice system that only prolongs that pain, the pain body and the whole soul purging you go through. The reason this event was an answer to my prayer was not because of what happened to me, the real part, the true answer to my prayer was having the support around me to be able to face it. That’s where healing happens. It starts with being dedicated to reality. As much as my soul was screaming and I was desperately swinging into bouts of denial, it is in fact the denial that is crippling and I just desperately wanted the shame and despair to end.
Had I not had the support of both Warren Vaughan and Paul Waugh, along with the rest of the Lighthouse community I honestly dread to think where I would be today, in fact with a trauma that devastating, I question whether I would still be alive. Warren and Paul encouraged and supported me in going to the police. They arranged for me to be in a place of safety so I could heal away from my “family” and begin the process of rebuilding my life on firmer foundations.
Paul Waugh kindly paid for me to stay in a hotel for a week off the back of this shocking trauma whilst I was unable to walk properly in being pretty much bedridden. Warren Vaughan supported me with visits to see me, lunch meetings (that I initially had to eat soup and only through a straw). Warren raised the funds for me to stay a further five weeks in this hotel before I had found myself my own flat to start therapy and heal in. A lot went on behind the scenes from many in Lighthouse to ensure I was best supported and able to get myself safely into my flat, for example Victoria Bytel lent me 5K to get me up and running and allowed me space to pay her back once up and on my feet and able to do so. My brother Dom was a star and helped move all my things in. Paul Waugh spoke to my heart to help me with the courage to face this heavy and emotional trial I was going through.
The saying that’s kept me afloat ever since was when Paul told me over the phone that “no tears will ever be wasted” and then he proceeded to mentor me on the crucial and vital importance of facing what I desperately wanted to run from. In doing so I am standing up for the next victim, and the next child who unfortunately will go through the same life changing ordeal, I am teaching them to say that enough is enough! When we find the courage to stand up and face our persecutors and predators, we are standing up for the vulnerable and the greater humanity! One of my biggest lessons is learning to grow through the pain which eventually brings me to a place of gratitude for the suffering that I have been through.
One thing I know for sure is that this life changing trauma has changed my life for the better. It’s only through our research here at Lighthouse and the support through this community that the findings have brought me to Christ! I would not be able to heal in an environment surrounded by toxic family members. It would have killed me. When the devastating trauma happened I couldn’t be around my birth family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually devastated and broken in shame and humiliation. What will be understandably hard for my family members to comprehend is that in my time of desperate need I could not turn to them! I did not trust them!
Without the help and support of this surrogate family and community at Lighthouse, I know I wouldn’t have had the strength or the support to face this life crippling trauma. There are many who don’t have the support and who tragically feel the only option for them is to live a life of denial hoping the nightmares and trauma will just disappear. It doesn’t and it won’t! I know that first hand! God bless us all. My heart goes out to all individuals who are suffering silently and who don’t yet have the fortuitous hope and support that I have had through facing my most difficult trials. May God bless them all!
I’ve learnt through this trauma that power is not controlling other people. Power is disciplining yourself. Power is self control. Power is learning to love your enemies. You find power in forgiveness. Trying to control other people is the first sign that a person is entirely out of control. Controlling others or attempting to is what weak people think power looks like and they crave it! Self control is the 9th fruitage of the Holy Spirit and for good reason!
The Truth of How My Family in The Name of “Care” Attempted to Sabotage My Life and Livelihood In My Investment Here at Lighthouse
Since the trauma in 2020 I have lived through a very real experience to add to my understanding of trauma and how we hold it in our bodies. I never could have predicted the physically crippling aftermath that one event can have on my life when on the outside I look pretty much the same. I have however so far spent just under £15000.00 over a two and a half year period just on therapies to get the psychological and physical help I still desperately need to this day. The trauma in my body becomes inflamed especially in confronting situations relating to family.
As you can imagine, the last two years of the malicious smear campaign orchestrated by toxic family members, ex-clients and partners turned active constructive saboteurs only added to my already surreal and very real pain-body and trauma. Through what was an incredibly stressful time for me personally, I found out my family had set up and arranged a secret cult meeting against me and my participation here at Lighthouse in September 2021. All in the name of “care,” not one of them picked up the phone to find out how I was or what was going on.
My Dad, Dom (my youngest brother) and my Nan are the only people who have truly supported me from my birth family in more ways than one. Dom has always been there. He was there for me that very morning after the horrific trauma. I can always count on him to be there on the phone. Even through his own trauma he’d always find a way to be there for me too. My Dad who (once I shared what had happened) helped me not just physically by giving me the osteopathic treatment to ease the symptoms of trauma in my body, (that I needed week in and week out) but he also helped me financially as my business was seriously impacted due to the constructive sabotage. Many of my clients were contacted by predatory trolls in an attempt to sabotage their mentorship with me. This just added to my already pained body.
Paul S Waugh also had sleepless nights and wept over the trauma that I went through in 2020. The sensationalism that Paul is this controlling cult leader is shocking to see when you know this human being yourself. I have sat in this man’s company and I have seen him suffer and feel the pain and betrayal himself for my own trauma! I cannot describe how reassuring it is to feel seen and heard through something like this. Paul is one of the only people who truly understands the depth of the trauma I went through. Most people have no idea what to say, and avoid the pain and reality at all costs. Most people have not experienced or been in the presence of someone who can sit in their pain. That’s the sad reality. If only those in my family who purport to truly care for me knew the truth of how this support family at Lighthouse has saved me from drowning through the trauma I have experienced.
Not one of my family members upon spreading the Daily Mail article amongst themselves came to me directly to find out what was actually going on and to ask how I was throughout it all. Even the so-called “cult expert” Richard Turner my mother had hired (that I called once finding out a year later), stated that he had encouraged that I be invited to attend the “educational cult meeting”. Whether he did or didn’t state as much to them, no one took the initiative to invite me. It was all orchestrated in a very clandestine way dare I say, even cultish way. It shows that it was set up in line with the false hypothesis my mother and many of my family members have bought into, with no evidence at all instead wishing that their hypothesis were true even if that means at my very own expense. This is exactly what the predatory trolls of Lighthouse have done. They in their dark fantasies and resentment made up false hypotheses about Paul Waugh and Lighthouse and then tried to convince as many people as they could that it was true. That’s not only really really foolish but you can’t be clever with falsehoods and lies! Hate really does make people stupid!
Richard Turner the “cult expert” needed his leaflet to remind him of the answers to some very basic questions I asked him. You can’t be an expert on anything that you don’t know much about! In the case of Richard Turner and many of these so-called “cult experts” they cannot clearly define what a cult is and on the contrary what a healthy community is. Based on how they judge themselves as experts I could be an expert on anything. It is that loose, that non specific and general!
Over the years way before the malicious smear campaign my mother actively expressed her hatred towards Lighthouse and in particular my first mentor Warren Vaughan. While I know she actually wouldn’t do it and it was a flippant comment stating that she wanted to “kill that man” it reveals her resentful pathology. This is not surprising or new to any of us at Lighthouse simply because our very research threatens the demonic hierarchical structure of the family home. We at Lighthouse help individuals stand up for themselves and truly get the upbringing they never received. This naturally infuriates those wanting to maintain their self imposed egoic position and control.
When the smear campaign orchestrated by the predatory trolls of Lighthouse released the poorly written hack job by the Daily Mail, it sent my family into a frenzy of self inflated righteousness and vitriol. In their feeding frenzy they sent the Daily Mail article around amongst themselves. My step Grandmother used the excuse that she happened to randomly pick up the Wednesday paper for the Daily Mail for my Grandad and just “happened to see it.” …They do not even read this trashy newspaper! They should have picked up a lottery ticket that day! That’s so unlikely and untrue I found it hard not to laugh at the blatant lie. Upon challenging her, I have received hostile messages telling me to “for God sake get the help you need” and resorted to having to block her for her hostile messages. The reason? Little old nice Olivia wouldn’t shut up and conform. Apparently that’s enough to be called a bully. The behaviour from my family was so far from genuinely caring they were instead hoping for Lighthouse to be revealed as a “big, bad, dangerous cult”. My own aunt with a complete lack of regard or consideration messaged me whilst sharing the daily mail article saying:
“Have you seen this? Makes me think Paul Waugh really isn’t as nice as you think ?????? Just saying ???” and “doesn’t make me like Paul Waugh, glad he’s going to take this to court to clear his name! I don’t read the Daily Mail, as you say I shared the article with you so promptly, it was forwarded to me by a member of the family. Can’t believe you fall for all his bull****, what an arrogant man x”.
To which I replied:
“*****, in my view, arrogance is having a very strong ill-informed opinion on something or someone that you know very little about. For me that definitely applies in this case. Have a lovely day x x”.
They’d rather see themselves being proven right at my expense than see me and Lighthouse succeed in our endeavours than have to humbly admit their vicious, malicious and toxic behaviour. I have since called various members of my family out for their toxic behaviour only to be called a “bully” for doing so.
In our 18 years of research within Lighthouse we asked the question; what are the obstacles, restraining forces and barriers to human beings fulfilling their potential. I can categorically say in my case and in many people’s cases it is the toxic family. I however still pray and hope for all of them despite their toxic behaviour, it does not however mean I tolerate it.
My Narcissistic Prediction, Watch This Space…
Know the nature of the beast… Through our studies into ourselves and other human beings and in being dedicated to addressing my own toxicity (and helping others in mentoring, coaching, counselling and leadership do the same), I know first hand what the narcissistic responses are in an individual when they refuse to acknowledge responsibility for their wrongdoing. After all the Bible points right back to the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve’s refusal to accept responsibility and instead absconded it, shifted the blame and justified their betrayal!
It’s not just my own family who have gone about actively trying to destroy Lighthouse but there are many families of partners who have done the same. My family, through their dark fantasies no doubt fueled by my mothers paranoia and revenge filled pathology, have actively sabotaged and attempted to destroy my work financially to the point where I have barely been able to afford therapy to get the support through the trauma I have endured. They claim innocence and that their intentions were out of care and “goodness” but good intentions pave the way to hell, and as much as they may deny their true agenda, their behaviour says it all. You cannot talk yourself out of situations you behave yourself into.
Myself and my mentor Warren Vaughan had a meeting with my step dad that ended up being a pleasant chat in a local pub. Credit to my step dad as no one else extended themselves that way. My step dad insisted he record the conversation (which I appreciated and was going to suggest regardless). My stepdad left that conversation recording in hand but with all queries and questions answered and backed up. His aired frustrations and queries were answered and multiple replies from him of “good point”. It was no surprise to me that once my mother had listened to this audio that she deleted it. Had that audio revealed any of her allegations I can guarantee she would not have deleted it. That just shows her biassed agenda and that she’s only focused on proving her false, and dark hypothesis.
If it wasn’t for the help of those in Lighthouse I wouldn’t have been able to get the support I have. The sad thing is I really believe my mother wants me and us all at Lighthouse to fail. The reality of narcissism and the toxicity within families is that I know my mother and others alike would rather be right all at my expense. That there is dark. My younger brother sought mentorship for himself for between 3 to 4 years. I truly believe since the trauma in 2020 I experienced that he too carries the trauma from that experience. God bless his soul. My brother has since rejoined the army to be back with his comrades. At the time because of the sensitivity of the case we couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. He was visibly disturbed and shaken with the heaviness and weight of such an event. He went to live back with my mother for a number of months. It was at this point my mother blamed me and Lighthouse for my brother being “suicidal” (this was an outrageous lie). I was already on my knees and she had no idea why, yet she revealed her dark resentment and false vitriol. Since my mother has learnt about the trauma she’s not apologised or supported me. Instead she spread the news to family members like it was her own gossip to spread despite making a promise in front of my brothers that she wouldn’t and the warnings regarding the open police investigation not to.
I know full well the backlash I will receive for presenting such raw and real testimony. I know and feel the rumblings. My heart aches. The typical narcissistic response to being called out and held accountable is not one of a mature, growing, repenting humble human being. That would be to accept responsibility and to genuinely look inside-in. There are many who lack the capacity for inside in reflection and therefore can never accept responsibility to make their wrongs right. While I hope and pray for all those I have mentioned here I do not expect anything less than rebuke. I expect a harsh backlash as the truth to an unrepentant soul stings the fragile ego. The typical narcissistic reaction is as follows:
- Complete and utter denial, “I would never say that”.
- All of a sudden convenient memory loss, “I can’t remember”.
- “I am confused”
- “I don’t understand”
- Blame and resentment poured out towards the one outing the toxicity.
- They lie to anyone who will listen detailing your “crazy” behaviour.
So why am I sharing this? Because the truth is what sets you free. It’s through being dedicated to the truth no matter how painful that we can repent and make those wrongs right! WE CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY AVOIDING THEM AND ABSCONDING RESPONSIBILITY! By avoiding reality and skirting around the issues that means I am complicit in the wickedness of it. I refuse to be a passive bystander anymore. I refuse to stand by and choose comfort over what’s true for fear of being hated. I’d rather clear my conscience and be willing to be hated to share it with others to give them a chance to face the pain and repent through it.
Leadership is not about pleasing the masses but doing what is right for the greater humanity, for truth, for what’s right and righteous! It is The Way, The Truth, and The Life. It’s the narrow path fraught with pain yes, but also immense meaning and purpose because right at the centre of it is Jesus Christ! It is not found in playing small and hiding from reality. It’s in seeking absolute truth and fighting for it. It’s in fighting for your soul and for your brother’s and sister’s soul, and for your family even if they hate and want to destroy you for it!
How Can You Put A Price On What Saves a Soul?
How can I put a price on the above and beyond support I have received through this surrogate family, Lighthouse? I can’t! The broken family fabric of the home that led to me spiralling out of control at university, to lesbianism, to wracking up thousands of pounds worth of debt, to the trauma in September 2020, and the ongoing police case that still leaves me crippled and on the floor? The amount I have invested in myself and also others here, including Paul Waugh who has invested by far the most here in money, time, and effort cannot come close to the care, support, effort, time, and money that has been invested back into me 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year just to help me get back on my feet!
Individuals here have not just invested thousands into me like Victoria Bytel but I honestly believe that whatever I have invested here financially doesn’t come close to the return that I have received and continue to receive every day! The dreaded day of the trauma people like Paul dropped their family Sunday lunches, time with their children to rally around in order to help me in my time of desperate need! If I had to break down the investment I have made hour by hour, minute by minute, I know that the guidance, support and return that I have received would equate to way below the minimum wage to a point where it’s probably not even worth discussing it’s so small! I’ve received daily, weekly, monthly and yearly mentorship! Who has that support and commitment from others?! When everyone else is going on holiday I have a team of people helping me, supporting me, and sacrificing their family time! I have numerous people here I can call for support at any given moment!
This has never been about the financial currency, as anyone can see and feel through my experience it is primarily about the human currency, the human being, and the human spirit! We have been continuously attacked by toxic family members who have attempted to sabotage our work for the fear of being “revealed” for their own toxicity, yet Lighthouse has provided the space for me to fight for my soul. You simply cannot put a price on that!
Through my journey thus far in Lighthouse I have learnt that through my pain and suffering I can regenerate. This is only possible if I have a complete and uncompromising dedication to absolute truth. If I am this dedicated it will always lead me to Christ. In doing so I must always do my best to love my family and to put people and relationships first. That means holding myself and others to the most loving standard (we call that the child standard at Lighthouse). This journey starts internally and intrinsically by looking deeply within the chambers of my heart and soul. All of this builds my character, my strength, and my fortitude on the rock that is Christ.
Today I will not tolerate false friends and family, I will not tolerate any form of abuse. If it was not for Paul Waugh and Lighthouse I would not be in the position to competently set about mentoring others through their trauma. There’s a saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, we are all still children in desperate search for that nurturing village. That surrogate family.
There have been many allegations that Lighthouse is a cult, from my personal experience and observations it’s been the very families that we have come from and come out of that displayed the very traits that make up a cult.
Could it be that we are all born into cults, work within cults, and have been educated in environments that are very cultish, only to come out institutionalised, weak, and vulnerable to the very predators that lurk within those environments? In my experience? That’s exactly what I have found. I have never been pressured to stay with Lighthouse and I am free to choose where I go, what I do, and with whom. Lighthouse has been and still is a safe haven and a regenerative environment for me to become an increasingly healthy growing adult. I wish and pray that many have the same privilege as I have. I am eternally grateful to Christ, and to all those within Lighthouse for their continued love, support, and sacrifices. May God bless us all.